Session Ten

Like a trooper, I went to Anna’s wedding. I felt like such a fraud…a total idiot. My few friends were sympathetic, but it almost made it worse. Anna and I split on good terms. I even helped her carry her stuff to the car. What’s wrong with me? She took everything that mattered. Now I’m empty.

Of course, that’s just one of an endless parade of questions that troop through my tired brain—questions but no answers. That’s the hell of it. They’re nothing but endless loops of misery. Why didn’t she talk to me? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? What is it about him that she likes better? How could I have been so blind?

Even worse, am I destined to be lonely? Will anyone else ever be interested in me? I had become a shell of a person…a zombie walking the earth. I was numb. I had to be. I couldn’t afford to feel. Anna’s surprise phone call had wounded me to the level of my very soul. Why was I still even alive?

That thought was like a punch to the gut. Even as bad as I felt, it came out of left field. Maybe it would be the wake-up call I needed. I had a right to feel sorry for myself—but not to that level. I still had the life I had worked so hard for, at least some of it, ahead of me. I just needed to plow through for now.

There’s a problem with being a psychologist that no one ever thinks about. I’m supposed to be the one with the answers. I know how to help a client work through sleepless nights and unrelenting worries. Why can’t I do it with myself? I’m irrationally angry with nowhere to direct the rage I feel inside.

***

I didn’t get myself to the office. I couldn’t have. My body handled that task for me… muscle memory. For my part, I just didn’t care…about anything. God, I hate this.

I forced myself to think of Linda. I truly liked her, at least as far as I can remember what liking felt like. I owe it to her to pull it together. She is worth it, even if I’m not.

In the last week, I had been sleepwalking through sessions. I could get away with it with most of my clients but not with Linda. And she was just about to walk through the door. Though I don’t feel like it, I guess I owed it to her to at least play the part. I wrapped my personal woes in a vacuum-sealed bag and went out to meet her.

As soon as I opened the door, she rushed toward me. I put up my hand just in time to prevent a hug.

She stopped just before reaching me, turned, and sat down hard. I noticed a tear in her eyes.

For the first time in a week, I allowed myself to feel something. I didn’t like it. I began, “How’ve you been this last week?”

She brushed away my question with a hand gesture. “Bill, I expect better from you. First of all, tell me about how you are. Are you ready to tell me about what happened?”

I tensed, finding that I had no ready response. “You mean about my personal life?” I looked away. “Yeah, I had just gotten some bad news. I was still reacting to it.”

She looked me in the eyes. I hadn’t seen her confrontational side before. Her voice softened as she said, “You’re acting like it’s all behind you. I don’t believe that for a minute.”

My stomach apparently agreed as I searched for a redirect. “Have you and Rick found a marital therapist yet?”

My question didn’t land as I had hoped. She picked up her purse suddenly and raised it to shoulder level. Her gentle tone was no more. “You’re not going to get away that easily. I don’t like where we left things last week.”

I leaned back, keeping my focus on the wall behind her. “Yeah, like I said. I feel bad about that. I had no business letting my personal issues get in the way of your time.”

She stood unexpectedly. “Bill, don’t you get it at all?” Her forehead creased as she opened arms toward me. “This isn’t my time. It’s our time.”

I reached for my coffee and took a big gulp—too big a gulp. I almost coughed it back out. Then the strangest thing happened—I remembered her. I rushed to cover the strange feeling that had come over me as I said, “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. We agreed on honesty, so I’m going to do my best.”

She tapped her hand against her leg. “Okay, I’m waiting.”

This time, I took a sip instead of a gulp. I stopped to savor it. “We shared a special moment. It blindsided me. I suddenly saw something totally unexpected. I got so caught up in it that I forgot my role. Again, I apologize.”

She dropped her purse. “Just like that? You’re just going to walk away from what we discussed—what we agreed on?”

I stuttered, “Well, I didn’t mean it like that. I guess I’m still reacting to the bad news. I’m having trouble thinking straight.”

Her expression softened. “Oh, Bill. Why don’t you tell me about it. Talking might make it better. There’s nothing wrong with sharing.”

I sat up straight. “I think you’re right. I need to put my issues aside and talk to you about our relationship.”

She smiled. “I knew you hadn’t forgotten. What we experienced was real. I can still feel it. And Bill, you don’t have to be superhuman with me. I know you experienced something horrible. Please know that you can share it with me. But what’s most important is that there’s something happening between us right now, even if we can’t understand it.”

As much as I wanted to jump on board, I knew better. Making matters worse, I knew that I knew better. I stroked my chin. “Let’s look at it this way. There is something about you that struck a chord in me. That doesn’t mean that I had any business forming a special relationship with you.”

She stood again. “What the hell?! I feel like you’re playing with my feelings.”

I winced. “You’re right in the sense that I completely screwed up. Let me try again. The connection we feel is real. I have no doubt of that. It’s a beautiful thing. I want to honor that feeling by recognizing it for what it is.”

She looked at me with narrowed eyes. “And just what is it?”

I smiled uncomfortably. “It’s a chance for us to grow together. But only if we keep things in context.”

She picked up her purse only to casually drop it again. “Okay, I agree with some of what you said. I do feel like things have been opening up for me as we’ve talked.”

For some reason, and I have no idea why, I started to feel like I was returning to my familiar world. I said, “I’m excited about what’s in front of us. We just glitched—I just glitched.”

“Oh Bill, don’t be silly. You’re human. I like you that way.” She then paused. “But I’m not sure what’s next.”

As the fog that had settled over me began to clear, things started to make sense. “We had been talking about how you had become the victim of your own success.”

She laughed briefly. “You make it sound almost like a good thing. The fact is that I was miserable.”

I shook my head. “I’m certainly not trying to minimize your experience. In fact, I see that sort of unhappiness as even worse.”

“Why do you say that?”

I began breathing normally. “Because you felt bad and couldn’t pinpoint a reason for feeling that way. If there had been a specific problem, you could have worked on finding a solution.”

She sat back, rubbing her temples. “You know. That’s exactly what was happening. By nature, I’m a problem solver. I had this vague sense that something was wrong. Since I couldn’t find a reason for feeling that way, I was helpless and couldn’t find a way to deal with it.”

I smiled. “But then you did find a way. Instead of letting it trap you, you called me.”

She crossed her legs as her eyes returned to mine. “Okay, that all makes sense. But what about what happened after? You and I were starting to click. Can we find our way back there?”

“Great question. And I think the way has to do with where we left off. Let’s talk about honesty.”

She leaned forward. “But Bill, I feel like I’ve been extremely honest with you. You’re the one who seems to be holding back.”

I shuffled in my seat. “I absolutely want to be honest with you—within my role.”

“Boy, what a cop out.”

“Is it really? Or is it a matter of context?

Again, she shook her head. If you’re honest, you’re honest. What has it got to do with context?”

“Let’s talk about the relationships in your life. Do you talk with Rick in the same way as you did with the mailman?”

She snorted.

I said, “We’ve talked about inside things and outside things.”

She took some time in responding. “I guess that honesty is relative to some extent. I guess you have to match what you say to the situation.”

I nodded. “I think you’re right. Honesty isn’t an absolute.”

She shook her head slowly. “I get it, but it seems to me like you’re going down a slippery slope.”

“I’m with you on that.”

She picked up her purse and began playing with the clasp. “Please don’t start lying to me or playing head games. I just don’t think I could take it.”

I leaned toward her. “Linda, my friend. Please don’t take it that way—not at all. I’m trying to communicate something to you at a very deep level of honesty.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m willing to listen. Just so you know, you’re scaring me a little.”

I didn’t speak. I just watched the way she kept opening and closing the clasp.

Finally, she said, “I think there’s a problem with words. We get so caught up in trying to make our words come out right that we lose sight of what’s real.”

I nodded. “Interesting thought.”

“You know, it’s more than just a thought. As I’m having that strange feeling that I get when I’m with you, things are starting to come to me. I’m seeing how words aren’t real. They’re nothing more than things we create to try to make sense of our worlds.”

A sensation ran through me as I tuned in to her—not so much her words—her. Still, words were my fortress, and she was at the gates.

I had to take a second to regain my footing before saying, “Yes, I can see how I was tricking myself with my words. I was trying to convey a sense of communion with you, but it came out wrong.”

She leaned back sharply. “You’re trying to take it back!”

I spoke quickly, “No, no, not at all. I’m with you. I’m just trying to use words to understand it in my own way.”

She slowly leaned back toward me. “I think I might owe you an apology. I’ve been pretty rough on you. I put expectations on you that maybe you didn’t ask for.”

I felt it again. It was marvelous. Linda was real. Anna wasn’t. I had to shake myself. Linda was a client. A second later, we were flowing, and Anna was forgotten—at least for now. I was thankful for the routine of our Tuesday sessions. They steadied me.

Linda’s Journal

May 5

My life had become boring. That’s certainly not the case now.. I’m a little concerned that it’s becoming just the opposite. I’m dealing with my new relationship with Bill—exciting, if a bit confusing—while Rick is showing a new interest. In the meantime, there is something going on during my talks with Bill that I can’t put my finger on.

As I’ve been thinking about it, I don’t really need to see Bill anymore. My life is moving along just fine. No need to rock the boat. It’s not like I owe him anything.

But I wouldn’t feel okay about abandoning him right now. He’s in a delicate place right now, and I feel like he needs me. As much as he tries to act like it’s no big deal, I can tell that he’s really upset about some news he got. And I have to be honest with myself as well as with him. Something real is happening between us.

As I’ve gotten past the concerns about my lifestyle, I’m feeling lighter. I’m not obsessing about what others think. It’s a good thing because they don’t always feel particularly pleased with what I’m doing.

Like the other night when I prepared a gourmet dinner for the family. I had a blast doing it as I was experimenting with different sauces and styles of presentation. Of course, Dad likes familiar food. He’s not much for change. He tried to be nice, but he just couldn’t hold himself. He had to complain.

So what did I do? Instead of getting mad or having my feelings hurt, I got up and pulled out a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. Believe it or not, we all ended up laughing.

Here’s the funny thing. With my new attitude, I’m still doing little extra things for Rick and my parents. But there’s no longer a silent resentment behind them. I’m doing them because I want to. I feel happy when my family is happy.

Rick’s Journal

May 8

I decided to go ahead and have lunch with Barb. It was actually better than I had expected. I had planned to go to a busy restaurant near my office. Instead, she suggested a quiet cafe that was much more intimate. I’ve got to say that Barb is looking pretty darn good these days.

I know that I shouldn’t be thinking that way, but Linda doesn’t seem to care. She’s too wrapped up in whatever she is doing with her shrink. She seems happy enough, but it’s like she’s in her own world.

In any case, it was really good to spend time with Barb. I’m not the kind of guy to have an affair. If I ever did, though, it would definitely be with her. Who am I kidding? I’m still nothing more than a friend to her.

Work hasn’t seemed quite so bad lately. I’m not sure why that is. Could it be that I’m feeling more positive about other parts of my life? I need to keep a good grip on things though. It’s probably not a good idea for me to be spending so much time daydreaming about Barb.

Barb’s Journal

May 9

Well, hi, me! Rick said it’s been helping him to write down his thoughts, so I thought I’d give it a try. At least that way, I’ll be able to communicate with someone who appreciates me. My stupid husband hardly notices that I’m alive. Fortunately, Rick is very different. He loves how good-looking and sexy I am. He’s the strong, silent type while Mick is just brusque and insolent. Even the brief times when he’s home are awkward and unpleasant.

My life kind of sucks right now. How could I, the most popular girl ever in high school, be in this position? I need fans who appreciate me. To be perfectly honest, I like it when people idolize me. That gives me the energy to maintain my image. I don’t want to say I’m better than most, but let’s face it. I am.

I’m getting pretty bored these days. It’s time to start shaking things up. I think I’ll start by rattling Rick’s cage. He’s a good guy but so damn innocent. Frankly, I don’t like the way he talks about Linda. She’s always been Little Miss Perfect. We were close when we were little. But during our teenage years, I found out what she’s really like.

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