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Anna came home late last night. She also came home mad—so mad that I would have just as soon she’d stayed at work.
What am I saying? I love her. We’re getting married soon—though I’m no longer so sure of what soon means. What hurts is that I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t ignore her or shut her out of my life. I couldn’t imagine what the problem could be.
It took some time and patience, but I finally got it out of her. I swear, sometimes I feel like she’s one of my clients. Here’s the backstory: she had a dream the night before. In it, she caught me having an affair. When she woke up, she thought I really was.
Is that crazy or what? What was I to do? I tried to reassure her. I reasoned with her. I, of course, denied it. I felt so damned helpless.
How do you argue against a dream?
I tried to reassure her. I reasoned with her—of course. But I felt helpless.. She shut me out completely. I came up behind her and tried to put my arm around her. She knocked it away with a violence that shocked me. Now I’m almost scared of her.
Who is this woman? The person I chose to be my wife now seems like a stranger. I’m feeling alone and more than a little scared. I’ve thought of her as my rock—my foundation. If I’m going to deal with other people’s problems all day, I need to come home to some sense of stability.
At least things are finally on the right track with Linda. I think the session with her will help me get my bearings once again.
***
Linda came in looking out of sorts. I could tell that there was something on her mind. In an ominous tone, she finally said, “There’s something I’ve got to tell you.”
Thinking about our recent sessions, I felt my gut clench. Instead of responding, I waited for her to continue.
It seemed like forever before she finally said, “I told my husband about our session.”
My mind was suddenly off to the races. She didn’t say which session. I remembered all too well every detail of our previous meetings. I had been so relieved to have put it behind us—or so I thought. I brought my hand to my mouth to hide my grimace.
Was she pausing for effect, or was she ashamed to continue? My heart was pounding as I asked, “What did you tell him?”
She looked at the bare wall. Was that a tremor near her eyes? Nothing, then…”I just told him what we talked about. He went ballistic. I begged him not to, but I’m afraid he might come by here today.”
Before I had time to think, there was a knock on the door— so loud it seemed to shake the room. My hand shook as I reluctantly got up and reached to turn the door knob
A large, red-faced man walked right in brushing by me in the process. He was wearing a tie and dress slacks. His shirt sleeves were rolled up.
Outwardly calm—miraculously—I offered my hand. “Hello, my name is Bill. He forcefully brushed my hand aside.
“How about we take a seat?” My voice was unsteady. Did he notice?
He continued to stand. His breathing was rapid. An artery in his neck was pulsing visibly. Before crossing his arms, he cracked his knuckles creating a rapid series of pops.
I sat back down, even as he remained standing. The tension was smothering. I was in charge and had to gain control. “There’s obviously something on your mind.”
He clenched and unclenched his fists. Linda scooted away.
It sounded like a growl, but I was able to make out his words. “How dare you tell my wife to leave me! “He leaned into my personal space—close enough to kiss, but an unlikely intention.
I maintained a neutral position and even tone, though my body was in full flight mode. “I can’t blame you for feeling upset if you thought I was telling Linda to leave you.”
“You’re damn straight.” He spoke with so much force that the room seemed to shake
The room was still and quiet. The atmosphere was anything but.
I finally looked at Linda and asked, “Any idea what might have made him think that?”
It took her a minute before she unfolded herself and sat up straight. “Rick, I don’t think that’s what he meant.”
His eyes unlocked from mine as he looked around the room, finally settling on his wife. He almost stumbled as he finally took a seat, saying, “I’m confused.”
She leaned toward him. “You wouldn’t be confused if you ever listened.”
He raised his voice in response. “I listen all the time. I have to because you talk all the time.”
She sat back with a tear in her eye. “I keep talking, hoping that eventually you’ll listen.”
He shook his head. “Oh, that again. I get so tired of hearing it. If something is bothering you, tell me. Then I can take care of it. I might as well come right out and say it. Sometimes you just seem to be talking for the sake of talking.”
She opened her arms. “Could it be that I’m trying to connect with you? I don’t see you all day, and I miss you.”
He didn’t respond immediately. Then, “I came in here today because I thought he was telling you to leave me. Did he say that or not?”
When she didn’t answer, he asked again, “Did he say it or not?”
Her words were halting. “Well… not exactly.”
He leaned forward again. “What do you mean, not exactly?”
“Okay,” she finally said. “He didn’t say those exact words.”
“Then what did he say?
Her face turned crimson. “I don’t really remember. I think I was doing most of the talking.”
“He either told you to leave me or he didn’t.”
She stood up and yelled. “He didn’t say it! I did. Okay?. You do the things you enjoy and leave me all alone. I don’t like it. If you want to know the truth, that’s what I told him.”
He stopped for a moment before rejoining the argument. “The reason I don’t do things with you is simple. You’re no fun.”
At that, she began crying.
He looked at me, but I said nothing. He then scooted his chair back and covered his face with his hands. “I had no idea you felt that way. I try to listen and be a good husband. What am I missing?”
Between sobs, she said. “Rick, I know you try. We both do.” She started to regather herself. “But I want to say this one time, very clearly. You might listen, but you don’t hear.”
I was accustomed to dealing with marital tension. Since I was no longer the target, I was able to start breathing again. I straightened and said, “It sounds like a worthwhile topic. Just not for here… now. Let’s address the reason Rick felt he needed to come.”
He started to say something, but I held up my hand. “Rick, I just want to make sure that you got the message. I didn’t tell her to leave you. It’s not something I would do.”
He looked away as his words stumbled out. “Yeah, I guess so.” He then shook his head, still not looking me in he eye. “To be honest, I’m just not really comfortable with her coming to talk with you.”
I nodded. “I hear you. That’s a different topic that you and Linda can discuss. And if you do decide you want to work on communication issues, I can suggest someone you could talk with.”
With head bowed, he walked out the door. Linda trailed behind.
I was wet with sweat and had another client waiting. I’m going to have to think about raising my rate—hazard pay and all that. I still haven’t forgotten my dream of driving a delivery truck.
Linda’s Journal
April 14
Rick really surprised me by interrupting our session. Okay, so maybe I did bait him a little. But how was I to know that, for once, he was listening. The main thing is that he showed that he cares.
For a little while, it felt like I had two men fighting over me. It’s a little high schoolish, but I’ll have to admit that I got off on it. In my defense, I’ve been so starved for love and affection that I’ve felt like wearing a sign, begging for someone to care.
When Rick came home after work, I had prepared his favorite dinner. He was even on time for once. He was a little testy about what had happened, but he got over it. I let him know how much it meant to me that he was willing to defend our marriage.
After dinner, I put on the negligee again. I overcame my fears of rejection and kissed him the way he used to like. Then I told him what a stud he was.
Would you believe it? We made love. It was a little awkward. It had been so long, and we weren’t sure of each other. It sure felt good though. Wouldn’t it be great if some of the barriers could come down so we could have a real relationship? I do love the big lug.
Rick’s Journal
April 18
What a week it’s been. I had no idea that I was so emotionally shut down. I’ve been having feelings that I had forgotten even existed. The first was anger. I’ll have to admit that it felt good to confront the shrink. It made me feel like a man again.
Then I realized the culprit was actually Linda. At first, I was really pissed at her. Then I realized that she had wanted to tell me something but hadn’t known how to say it. I regret that things had deteriorated to the point where she felt she couldn’t talk to me about how she feels.
On second thought, she tells me all the time how she feels. The thing is that it’s usually just complaints about things I can’t fix. I guess it’s my fault just as much as hers. We just don’t talk about the things that matter. In my defense, I’ve been reluctant because I’ve been scared she’ll hit me below the belt.
She knows how sensitive I am about money. I do what I can, but I don’t have the same kind of income that some of her friends’ husbands do. She’s all the time making comments about wanting to have a baby or take a trip, or buy a new car. Doesn’t she know how much that hurts me? It makes me feel like a total failure.
There is some good news, though. After the confrontation, I reached for her. This time she didn’t resist. I felt incredibly powerful. It’s a sense I haven’t had in years. The sex exceeded my every fantasy. I felt like I had been letting her down. Tonight I felt like a real husband.
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At the beginning of the book, I promised the opportunity to experience. My thinking tends toward the abstract and analytical. I'm writing something very different. I would like to know if I'm reaching the high bar of writing something that you can feel. Care to share?