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I came home from a busy day only to be met with questions about my “attractive client.” Why can’t Anna let go of it? How long am I going to have to pay for an innocent slip?
Sure, Linda’s attractive. Anyone with eyes would say the same. And, of course, I like her. But, for God’s sake, she’s a client! A suggestion of anything further is so preposterous it makes me laugh. Trust is critical in a relationship. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.
To my surprise, Anna was at home when I arrived. I know that junior associates at a law firm have to work crazy hours, but she’s been dragging home well past dinner time. When I’ve tried to have normal conversations with her, all I’ve gotten is some version of how swamped she’s been at work. I’ve learned not to press. Doing so inevitably leads to a question or a comment about my “attractive client.”
With some reservations, I asked how the wedding preparations were going. I expected a flood of words. Instead, she brushed me off, saying she’s been too busy to think about it. What a change! Just a week or two ago, it’s all she wanted to talk about. She obviously has too much on her plate. I guess I’ll have to let her deal with things in her own time.
***
As I was preparing to see Linda, an idle thought crossed my mind. I was pretty inexperienced with women. Before meeting Anna, I hardly even dated. I’m a bit on the shy side and have never been much of a lady’s man. Where in the world did that thought come from?
Linda was a couple of minutes late, and my mind had time to wander. If I’m going to be totally honest with myself, it does seem a bit different working with her. It’s not just the way she looks. There’s something about her, some connection I can’t put my finger on. I banished the thought before it could develop any further. That was one road I wasn’t about to go down.
As Linda entered, I couldn’t help noticing her graceful way of moving. Further distracting me, I caught a whiff of perfume—a little stronger than our first meeting.
I felt confident in my self-discipline. Such wandering thoughts weren’t going to affect my work with her. I began, “How’ve you been since we last talked?”
My question had been intended to provide a safe way to get things started. I had expected a standard, unrevealing response. What I got was anything but. To my dismay, she looked me straight in the eye, saying, “I’m fine now. You helped me see what the problem was, and that allowed me to deal with it. “
The finality of her statement knocked me off balance. I started to speak, but the words weren’t coming. I finally said, “But you did come back for the session.”
She grinned as she looked at me. “I’ve gotten so much out of talking with you. I never even thought about canceling.”
She slowly crossed her long legs, but it barely registered as I forced myself to maintain eye contact.
My heart rate picked up. I felt dampness under my arms. There was something going on here that I wasn’t prepared for. I kept my focus on her eyes as I said, “The last time we met, we did an exercise that was pretty intense. Have you thought about it through the week?”
“Why, of course. Like everything else you’ve suggested; it was helpful. I didn’t let myself be bothered by things my family said. Now I know that I’m okay with or without their approval. It was very freeing.”
A lawn mower started outside my window. Like it or not, the worker stuck to his weekly schedule. My gaze shifted toward the sound. Hers stayed on me.
With some reluctance, I looked back in her direction. “Right now, you present like all your problems are behind you. You seem so together. Is this the face you usually show to the world?”
“Well, sure.” She held my gaze a little longer than usual.
I held my pen a little tighter, determined not to be derailed by this unexpected turn. “We’ve been dealing with some major issues. Have you given them any more thought?”
With a brief laugh and a wave of her hand, she said, “I’ve got to say, you’re really good at what you do. I was surprised that some of those old things were still affecting me. Thank you for helping me deal with them.”
I felt the onset of a headache. This wasn’t making sense. Still, I remembered that I knew what I was doing. It was just a turn I hadn’t anticipated. “Linda, I’m concerned that we were moving too fast. I would like to go back to where we were last time we met.”
Another wave of the hand. She then said, “If you want. After all, this is your time.” She followed that odd remark with a giggle. She then wiped the grin from her face. “There’s really no need. I’m fine.”
I took a breath. I was grasping at straws—in desperate need of something therapeutic to say. When nothing came to mind, I finally said, “I’m curious. You’re usually so well put together. Why didn’t you bother to do your hair today?”
Her eyes flashed for just an instant before she sat back, looking calm and composed. “Good one, Bill. You’re not going to catch me that easily. Like I told you, I’m through with all those irrational thoughts. I don’t need your opinion or anyone else’s to know that I’m okay.”
In a tone that was unserious, I said, “Well, I’m glad I was able to fix you.”
She smiled broadly, drawing my eyes to her red lips. “You definitely did.” She then paused momentarily. “I’m not saying that everything’s perfect. I did have a problem. You helped me see it so I could deal with it.”
“This sudden change. It concerns me. It somehow doesn’t seem quite real.”
She laughed lightly. “Poor Bill. He’s uncomfortable. What can I do to help?”
The mower passed right by the window. I had to almost yell my question. “What’s really going on right now, Linda? You’ve moved to a totally different place, and I’m having trouble finding you.”
She abruptly broke eye contact and asked in a very different tone, “Why is it that you never ask typical shrink questions about things like my dreams and my sex life?”
I shifted my weight in a wasted attempt to become comfortable. “Linda, something about the way you are today doesn’t fit.”
She looked away and said much more softly, “I just don’t understand why you don’t ask typical shrink questions.”
I started to get up to look for an aspirin but forced myself to stick it out. “I’m feeling lost. You and I seem to be going different directions. Where’s the Linda I’ve been working with? And what’s the deal with shrink questions?”
“Well, I didn’t mention this before, but I did see a psychiatrist a few years ago. We spent many sessions talking about my dreams and sex life, so I thought that was what we were supposed to do.”
“Linda, I feel like you’re playing with me—and maybe with yourself.”
She brushed her hair back as her lips parted. “Last time you helped me get in touch with some feelings I’d forgotten about. I like feeling that way—uninhibited, free. Let’s talk about that.”
My forehead furrowed as I concentrated on the meaningless notes I’d scribbled. I shifted my weight again with the same lack of success. “You’re talking about how you felt when you remembered yourself as a child?”
She ignored my question. “You’ve probably figured out already that everything isn’t as great as everyone seems to think with me and Rick. We aren’t really intimate anymore.”
A shiver went down my spine. I casually crossed my legs in an attempt to ease a sudden discomfort. In a voice that came out thinner than intended, I asked, “Linda, what are you telling me?”
“I’ve been so bottled up all my life.” She then looked at me and smiled. “See, we’re talking about the things you wanted to talk about. You helped me get in touch with my true feelings when we did that exercise. Would you like to hear more about the real me—the part I keep hidden inside?”
Why was I feeling so uncomfortable? This was my business—talking about feelings. I suddenly became aware that the lawn mower had quit. I wished it would start back
As I was sorting through those random but strangely comforting thoughts, she leaned closer and said, “As a matter of fact, I did something that’s going to make you proud. You remember how I decided not to be so concerned about what others think of me?”
I nodded, as I picked up my notepad and began to study it.
“I had just stepped out of the shower yesterday when I heard the doorbell ring. I looked out the window and saw a UPS truck. I was feeling naughty and decided to open the door with nothing more than my bath towel wrapped around me.”
She leaned even further forward, brushing my knee with her hand. “What happened shocked me almost as much as it did him. As I reached to sign for the delivery, the towel started to slip. Of course, I wasn’t in any hurry to grab it. Ordinarily, I would have been horrified. In fact, I was for just an instant. Then our discussions ran through my head.”
I tried not to shiver. A movie was playing in my head. It was incredibly vivid—almost as if I were there. I tried to turn it off so I could focus on her words.
“I thought, ‘Bill would really be proud of me right now. I just wish he could be here to see it.’”
Before I could stop the movie, my imagination betrayed me by displaying the scene. My headache intensified.
As much as I wanted to continue watching the movie, I shifted my gaze to her purse. It was probably expensive. Leather? Probably. She wouldn’t have one made of plastic. The clasp was gold. I wondered if it was real gold.
Linda looked up at me with half-closed eyes, forcing me to focus on her once again. “You should have seen the look on the driver’s face. His jaw dropped. I thought he might faint.”
There was an awkward pause. I started to speak, but all that came out was a choking sound. I could feel the sweat dripping from my forehead.
“I felt free in a way I’d never experienced—thanks to you.” A giggle escaped before she could stop it.
Instead of speaking, I simply scratched my head. My mind moved in fits and starts between Linda, the movie, and the purse. While it was a very nice purse, it just didn’t stand a chance among my competing thoughts. I maintained my calm demeanor, showing absolutely no signs of what was going on inside me.
Her breathing picked up. Her voice seemed deeper, throaty. She kept her half-opened eyes focused on me as she continued. “I was getting really turned on by his reaction. Now you’re REALLY not going to believe this.” She stopped to make sure I was listening. I was.
More than anything in the world, I didn’t want her to stop. I also wanted her to stop more than anything in the world. I forced a laugh. “Linda, just what are you doing with that story? I’m uncomfortable with it.” I paused for a second before adding, “very uncomfortable.”
Her already flushed face turned a deeper crimson. “You’re telling me that I have to be concerned with what you think, but not with what anyone else thinks.”
I started to sink down in my chair but reminded myself to sit up straight. “Linda, what you’re saying, that’s not what our work is about.”
At first, her expression flattened. She then flipped her hair back and laughed out loud. “You think that really happened?”
I hung my head. In the meantime, she left the office with a big grin. Fortunately, it was time for the next client who might be a little less stimulating.
I walked to the waiting room and learned the news. My client had canceled. I returned to my office and sat down, trying to process what had just happened. Our session had affected me. I needed to regain my professional center, so I sat and closed my eyes.
A few seconds later, I jerked upright. She had left physically, but I was still holding on to her. I shook myself. It didn’t help. I gave a passing thought to how much I might enjoy the stress-free life of driving a delivery truck.
My thoughts pinballed. I was attracted to her, sure. She was a beautiful woman. Still, I had been at a university where pretty girls walked by me every day. What was different with her?
I thought, maybe for the first time, about just what I had accomplished in my life. I had earned a degree, sure. What I hadn’t yet earned was the identity of being a psychologist. I still had a lot to prove to the world…and to myself.
Then I took a deep breath and sat up to write my notes.
Linda’s Journal
March 24
I left the session with a well-earned smile. So much for the invulnerable shrink. He tried to act like he wasn’t affected. Silly man. A woman knows.
I’ll have to say that I’m proud of myself. I felt powerful in a way I never had before. I walked out wishing I had someone to high five. I deserved it. I’d be willing to bet that I never see that smug look again.
It’s funny. I went in with the idea of showing him the real me…the hidden me. I certainly had no intention of getting excited myself. But I did. Boy, did I. I got so wrapped up in the web I was weaving that I thought…no, I’ll keep it to myself.
I’ve always thought it strange how people get into kinky sex. Now, I have some idea. Pretending to be an exhibitionist was hot. I’ve since bought a few outfits that are a bit on the daring side. Men have noticed, and I’ve noticed that they’ve noticed. Not Rick, though. I could walk down the street naked and he would be oblivious.
I even thought of playing out the fantasy. Rick called to say an associate was coming by to pick up some papers. I fantasized about wrapping a towel around me. Of course, I chickened out in the end. I guess I do still care a little about what others think. It’s a good thing I came to my senses. It was a woman who knocked on the door.
My thoughts keep returning to Bill. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about him that gets me so worked up. I think I’ve come up with somewhat of an explanation. With him, I’m not the one responsible for setting limits. I can let myself go without having to worry about things going too far. I can tantalize and tease without inhibitions because he’s the one responsible for what happens.
The only problem is that now I find myself thinking too much about him. I’m feeling so incredibly uninhibited. He really did help with that. And he’s right, I’ve been too caught up in meeting the expectations of others. I just need to find a way to express myself. I can’t wait for our next session.
Rick’s Journal
March 27
Something is going on with Linda, and it has me concerned. She’s spending a lot more time on her hair and makeup. She’s also been shopping, and the last thing I need is more bills.
I pretty much trust her, but I have to wonder if maybe she’s met somebody. She doesn’t work, so she has plenty of time to get herself in trouble. It’s pretty sad as I think about it. I slave all day so she can have fun. Then I have to worry about her being unfaithful. Life just isn’t very fair.
I will have to admit that she is looking pretty darn good lately. She can be so incredibly sexy when she wants to be. I promised myself that I wouldn’t keep setting myself up for rejection though. If she decides to thaw out, I’m sure she will let me know. I just hope it doesn’t happen with some other guy. I’m probably just being silly. She’s too concerned about her image to have an affair.
Everyone thinks that Linda is so perfect. Well, she is in a way. Or at least, she could be. She’s beautiful, talented, and has a great personality. When she’s happy, she is more fun to be around than anyone in the world. Unfortunately, she just hasn’t seemed that happy for the last few years. I feel cheated by not having that fun person in my life.
I guess if it turns out that someone else can make her happy, I’ll just wish her well. I would give anything to be the one who could give her what she needs. I would be the happiest guy around. In the meantime, she’s acting so sexy that it’s driving me up the wall.
***
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