Session Nine

I arrived at the office 15 minutes early so I could enjoy a cup of coffee as I mentally prepared for a full day of clients. First would be Linda. Was I ready? I thought so. I had spent a week wrestling with my thoughts about our agreement and had determined a plan of action.

The rest of the morning would be more routine. Jerry was highly anxious. He couldn’t get anything done because his thoughts pulled him from one task to another. Thinking about his inability to complete anything just made him more anxious.

John was the only kind of client that I really didn’t enjoy. He was what I call a UFixem. He didn’t want to see me either. He was content being just who he was. His wife was very dissatisfied with having an undependable, lying husband. My job—fix him. No thank you.

About five minutes before the session, Anna called. She had dragged in so late the night before that I hadn’t had a chance to talk with her. I decided to pick up since it might be something important.

It was. God, how it was. She was crying, and my heart immediately went out to her. Two minutes later, I felt very differently. She began, “Bill, you know that I love you, but things have changed. I’ve grown close to John while we were working late each night. I’m moving some of my things to his place as we speak and will be getting married to him next weekend. You’re welcome to attend.”

It was over. Was is over? I didn’t know which end was up and wasn’t even sure I cared. Surely she didn’t mean it. Maybe she was just mad about something I did or didn’t do. Was she going to call back and apologize?

The bile in my stomach rose into my mouth, causing me to cough uncontrollably. I wanted to throw the damned phone against the wall. Could this really be happening? If it is, what am I even working for?

Before I could even start to answer my questions, I heard the door open. Linda was here. I was somewhere far away. There were so many tears I had yet to cry…so much anger I needed to express. Yet, I was a professional. My clients came first. I took a deep breath and opened the office door.

***

Before even taking a seat, she asked, “Bill, what’s wrong?”

How did she know? Were my eyes already puffy? Of course they were. I had to pull it together. “I’m okay. How are you today?”

She leaned toward me, eyes wide open. “What is it?”

When I was unable to come up with a smooth response, she pushed further. “Something’s up with you. Does it have something to do with what we talked about last week?”

I sat up straight, ignoring the tears that were right behind my eyes. “No, Linda. It’s nothing to do with you. I just got some upsetting news.”

Her forehead creased. “Oh my gosh. What was it? Can I help?”

I rubbed my eyes briefly and cleared my throat. “No, it’s just something unexpected.” I took a few seconds before proceeding. “Last time we talked about working together in a different way. Have you given it any more thought?”

She frowned. “Bill, this is crazy. You look like you’re about to fall apart at the seams and you want to talk about our last session. Be real with me.”

I took a long look at the office door. In spite of myself, I started to cry quietly.

She put her hand on my knee and looked like she wanted to hug me. I wanted her to, yet I didn’t. Showing no reaction to her touch, I said, “It’s just something I have to deal with. Life sometimes throws us curves. I apologize for being so unprofessional.”

She gave a brief laugh. “So much for this honesty thing. I guess we were just playing a game last session. Maybe it didn’t mean anything to you. It did to me.”

“Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” I got up hurriedly and took the few steps necessary before splashing cold water on my face. A quick look in the mirror revealed that I looked just as bad as I felt.

I slowly walked back to her and sat tentatively in my chair.

She picked up her purse and stood. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I don’t like this and I’m not going to put up with it. You need to come clean with me.”

My entire body flushed crimson. The contents of my light breakfast were about to make an unwelcomed appearance. I stuttered as I said, “I’m having some family issues and just got some bad news. I’ll be okay once I’ve had time to digest it.”

She sat down, but her weight remained on the front edge of her chair. Finally, she said, “Well, thanks for sharing at least that much. Maybe I was making too much of this honesty idea.”

I hastily said, “No, no…God no. I’m sorry. I’m just having to adjust. I’ll be fine. Let’s talk about you.”

She took her time before finally sitting back. “Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it. I was looking forward to seeing you today because I have some good news.”

Forcing my focus to her, I asked, “What is that?”

I saw the crimson on her cheeks before she spoke. “How am I supposed to tell you something happy when you’re about to cry? Is that any way to be honest?”

My face also changed shades. “It’s not a matter of honesty. My personal issues don’t have a place here.”

Her hands balled up. “Hah! You led me on—made me think we had something special. Now you won’t even tell me what’s bothering you. So much for an honest, equal relationship.”

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom again.”

When I returned, she was still sitting there. She said, “Well…”

My words stumbled out. “You’re right. While there was definitely something that happened between us last time, I allowed it to affect my judgment.”

She started to tear up and quickly covered her eyes with her hand. “I was so looking forward to seeing you. Now,” she stopped. “I don’t know that I will ever be able to really trust you.”

My contorted face portrayed the headache that had made a sudden appearance. I took a deep breath and continued. “Linda, it makes total sense for you to feel that way.” I stopped as I tried to suppress an urge to regurgitate.

She just sat there, arms folded across her chest.

“Right now…it’s just not the time to work out these issues. Tell me about your good news.” I then sat back.

She relaxed her arms and leaned forward. “Was it a family member? Did someone die? I’m so sorry for pressing you at a time like this. I just want to help.”

My pains eased sufficiently for me to talk. “I’ll be okay. I’m sorry for taking your time with my stuff.”

Her fists balled again. “What do you mean with ‘my stuff.’ I felt so close to you. Now you’re like a stranger.”

I attempted a smile. “I totally get why you would say that. I guess I’ll have to ask you to give me just a little room. I just got some really bad news. What I really want to do right now is focus on you.”

She took her time before speaking. “Okay, I’ll back off for now. Sounds like your mother died or something like that. I’m not inhuman. What can I do to support you?”

“Tell me about your good news. I’m anxious to hear it.”

She shook her head. “It now seems so trivial, what with a death in your family. But I’ll go ahead since I mentioned it. I couldn’t believe my ears, but Rick said he wanted us to make an appointment for marital counseling.”

I steadied myself. “How do you feel about that?”

Her eyes narrowed. “I guess I hadn’t really thought about it until just now. It’s something I wanted for a long time. Now it just doesn’t seem to matter. It doesn’t make much sense.”

I began to forget about my distress. “Why does it not make sense?”

Her gaze shifted to the wall with my diploma hanging. “At first, your question seemed ridiculous. Now I’m getting it. I’m working on me. Maybe I’m not sure I want to change the focus.” She stopped momentarily before introducing a new thought. “Maybe I could see him with you.”

I burped and moved quickly to cover my mouth. “Let’s keep things separate. I can recommend someone you can see to deal with marital issues. It won’t interfere with our work.”

She listened to what I said without any visible reaction. I wasted no time in responding, hoping desperately that she wouldn’t veer off into my issues. “It shows that he cares about you—maybe more than you had thought.”

She sat back, rubbing her temples. “I guess. But I’m not sure that’s all that it’s about. He keeps asking about you. He wants to know what goes on in our sessions.”

I took a long look at the clock, noticing that it must have stopped 10 minutes ago. “What do you tell him?”

She looked directly at me. “His questions make me uncomfortable. I usually just try to brush them off, saying it’s private. But that doesn’t always work. And he has a point. I feel like I’m not being totally honest with him. Know what I mean?”

I squirmed. “Does honesty require you to say everything you know…everything you think?”

She changed positions as she played with the clasp of her purse. “Well, yeah. I think it kind of does.”

I chuckled in spite of myself. “I think you’re setting the bar a little too high. Or more accurately, you’re misplacing it entirely.”

“What do you mean?”

“Would it really serve people to tell them whatever comes to mind at any time—like hey, you look fat today.”

She snort-laughed. “Okay, I get your point. It is necessary to have some boundaries.” She shook her head. “I don’t like that. I want to be totally open, like I am with you.” Her hand rose to her mouth as she completed the statement.

“You really tell me exactly every thought that runs through your mind? As much as I like what you said in the abstract, it just wouldn’t work here on planet Earth. Even though we can be really close, we have to maintain some sense of who we are as individuals.”

She sighed. “After all this time, relationships are still a mystery to me. I’ve wanted to be closer to Rick for years. Now that he’s trying to open up to me, all I want to do is back away.”

Settling back in my chair, I said, “Does that really surprise you?”

She took a minute to respond as she rubbed her cheek. “You know, maybe not. It just occurred to me that relationships are like dancing. As one partner moves closer, the other takes a step back. It’s like we’re maintaining the comfort of an equilibrium.”

I flashed on Anna. My partner disappeared. I was left holding air.

She started to speak and then stopped herself. “As much as I hate to say it, I think you were right. I’ve always thought of honesty and intimacy as so important. Maybe I’m not as ready for them as I thought.”

I turned my hands palms up.

She looked straight into my eyes. “You know, maybe that’s true. Could it be that we’re here for just that purpose? Is that what we’re meant to learn…together?”

I cleared my throat as I searched for a response. “Honesty both is and isn’t simple. And yes, that is something we’re learning together.”

To my immense relief, she got up to leave. She stopped at the last minute and turned around. “I’m so sorry to hear about your mother.”

Linda’s Journal

April 28

When I walked out of the session with Bill, I felt like an emotional wreck. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions—all of them powerful. I’ve never seen Bill so upset. He was doing his best to hold it together, and I’ll have to give him credit for that.

I know that he has to take care of himself right now. Still, I felt abandoned. What happened to our special relationship? Is he going to shut me out just like Bill has done for all these years? I know that honesty is complicated, but what about the honesty we had agreed on?

Even though he wouldn’t talk to me about it, something terrible just happened in his life. I hate it for him and wish I could do something. But why wouldn’t he tell me about it? Maybe we just haven’t yet reached that level of honesty. There was one thing that he said that genuinely moved me. In the middle of all that he was going through, he apologized for being unprofessional. Un-freaking-believable.

As if that weren’t enough for me to deal with, Rick came home with flowers. There was no special occasion. He said he was just thinking about me. I kind of wish he hadn’t been. I feel like I need space for myself right now. I want to focus on my growth at the moment. I feel selfish in saying that, but it’s honest.

It’s not that I don’t love Rick. I truly believe that I do. In fact, I feel closer to him than I have in years. It’s just that I’ve had a gigantic shift in my priorities. I don’t know what I’m getting into with Bill, but I somehow feel that it is my destiny.

And what’s going on with that? When we met last week, I felt the kind of connection I’d always dreamed of. I know we agreed that it wouldn’t be romantic, but it kind of seemed like that. I think I would have told him in the spirit of honesty, but it didn’t really hit me until later.

While my lifestyle is still the same, my life seems totally different. I no longer feel like my life is just living itself. For the first time in years, I feel like I’m living it. My days might seem boring on the outside, but inside I’m bubbling with a new energy. I don’t know that my work with Bill has had anything to do with it. I mean, Rick is right. We don’t do anything but sit there and talk.

Rick’s Journal

May 1

I think I’m falling in love with Linda again. It’s a good thing since Barb has started dropping by the office. It’s been years since we had our one date, but I used to really have a thing for her. There was a time when I would have married her in a heartbeat. Of course, every guy in town was after her, and I never had much of a chance. Fortunately, I know that she’s just a fantasy. I’m already married to the real thing.

I can’t help wondering what Barb is up to. She keeps dropping hints about being unhappy in her marriage. She is also giving me compliments. Whatever her motivation, it sure makes me feel better about myself. Maybe I should take her up on a lunch invitation. What could it hurt?

Linda hasn’t said anything more about the marital therapy idea. It’s just as well. I don’t really think we need it anyway. Things will work out without paying someone to tell us what to do.

I’m still sick of my work. I guess that will never change. I wish that I had the time to do something more physical. I would really like to harden the old body. I’m just going to have to make time to get into a routine at the health club.

Author’s Note: To continue reading, please click here for the Table of Contents.